


Failure

by FiveLeafClover



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2019-05-19 03:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14865908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveLeafClover/pseuds/FiveLeafClover
Summary: Ethan's day went from bad to worse, but seeing a suicidal man that he failed to save was the final straw. Continuation of "Black Alert" (16/01/16).





	Failure

**Author's Note:**

> [backdated fic, originally posted on fanfiction/net under the username InfinityAndOne, posted here 07/06/18]

Ethan's eyes subconsciously glanced over to the half-covered hand underneath the crisp white sheet. He gulped. Calling Caleb could wait, this was more important than what Cal had to talk about. He slipped his phone back into his pocket before slowly walking next to the bed.

Ethan saw the hand and saw the ring. His mind flashed back to earlier that day. Chris Dunham - the man he sat with. The suicidal man that he left. He deserted. Ethan bit the inside of his cheek in a desperate bid to control his tears as he stepped up, closer to where his head was. Ethan's hand was shaking. He knew he had to see if this was Chris, but he didn't want confirmation.

A wave of courage overtook him as he carefully pulled back the sheet, his eyes stinging with tears. Laying before him was the body of a man he should have saved. He hadn't saved Jess and Olivia. He hadn't saved Flossy. He hadn't spotted that Sarah had a puncture. A puncture that almost killed her. Now a man, a severely depressed man, took his own life because Ethan failed to do his job.

His knees felt too weak to hold him. Ethan clutched desperately to the bed rails, latching onto anything that would keep him upright. He could feel his tears threatening to fall. He'd been on the verge of crying all day. Half-asleep and not giving patients the care they deserved. What sort of a doctor abandons patients, has fatal errors, misses signs of abuse, doesn't run relevant tests, and works on energy drinks?

He couldn't hold on any longer. He sunk to the ground, his last scraps of energy being used to shuffle up against the wall. His tears fell fast and non-stop. Ethan didn't care anymore. He'd spent so long trying to be a good doctor, trying to help everyone because everyone needed it. But what did he achieve? He had to cut open a young girl because he missed something. She'd be scarred because he failed to do his job.

Ethan tried his best to stop sobs escaping; he didn't need the embarrassment of anyone seeing him crying. It was bad enough that he couldn't give anyone the care and commitment they deserved. He wondered if he still had a job in the morning after the way his day went. He was probably the worst doctor in the ED, and he was sure everyone could see. He was distracted and tired, slipping up and making mistakes. Ethan wanted comfort from someone. Someone to tell him that everything would be okay. But he knew it wouldn't.

He heard the door swing open. "Ethan. Lily said you were in - " It was Caleb, and he stopped talking suddenly. Ethan didn't have the energy to look up and see why. "What's the matter?" He felt Cal's presence next to him as the older man sat beside him. Ethan wanted to cry in Cal's arms, but he couldn't. They were both grown men. Caleb stood up again and Ethan really wished he didn't. "Who's this?" Ethan realised he was talking about the man lying on the bed.

"Chris Dunham," Ethan told him; despising how weak and shaky his voice sounded. He sniffed weakly; too tired to get a tissue.

"Well, let's give him some privacy." Caleb probably pulled the sheet back over him. Ethan should have done that. It's what any decent person would do. He felt Cal sit beside him again, and Ethan resisted the urge to lay his head on his brother's shoulder. "What happened, Ethan?" he sighed.

Ethan felt an arm slip around his shoulders, and he instinctively leaned in closer - glad when Cal didn't object. "I can't do this anymore," he cried.

"Do what, Eth?" Cal pressed, and Ethan realised all he wanted was to talk. He tried to, but no words came out. How could he ever tell anyone how he was feeling when he didn't even know himself? There was a moment's silence, and Ethan still didn't speak. "Alright, let's go home. Our shifts have ended anyway. I'll drive." Cal retracted his arm and stood up, offering a hand to Ethan. He gratefully took it, surprised to feel his legs shaking.

Ethan wiped away his tears, trying to keep them at bay. He couldn't cry when everyone would be able to see him. He had to stay strong. At least until he had some privacy. He held his breath to stop his cries from escaping, and let Caleb lead him to the car - neither of them getting changed. Ethan didn't feel like he had the energy to get changed. He could do it at home.

* * *

The car ride was painful. All Cal wanted to do was bring Ethan into his arms and hold him. He seemed so upset and Cal didn't miss the way his breathing was faster than normal and Ethan had his glasses taken off - occasionally wiping away tears. Cal wanted to comfort Ethan, but he didn't know how. They weren't the comforting types, but this was his little brother. He was in so much pain and Cal couldn't do anything to take it away.

Lily had briefly told him about the day Ethan had, and Cal didn't miss the number of energy drinks Ethan had consumed. He also hadn't neglected to hear Ethan pacing up and down at night. It was continuous, with the occasional silence where Cal thought he'd sat down or gone to bed. But it would always start again and continue until the morning. Cal wanted to get out of bed and go to Ethan. Talk to him, get him to calm down. He knew he was still beating himself up about Olivia, but the way Lily described it made him think that it wasn't just guilt. It was as if Ethan wanted - needed to do the best by everyone. Give everyone the care they deserved. Even if it meant no breaks and no sleep.

When they made their way up to the flat, Cal slipped his arm around Ethan. Relief filled him when Ethan didn't pull away, but he didn't dare to hug him. The journey was slow and tedious. Cal had to remind himself that Ethan wanted to walk slowly; he was probably too weak to speed up. But Cal wanted to get Ethan sat down and talk through his problems and care form him like he should be doing.

Maybe then, Cal could finally come clean. But it came with the price of breaking Ethan, and Cal didn't think he could do that.

"Not long now, Ethan. Just a few more steps." They were right outside the apartment, but Cal had to let go of Ethan to retrieve his key.

"I'm not a baby," he whined, sniffing and wiping his tears away again. Cal smiled lightly to himself, before taking away his arm. Ethan practically fell on the wall and Cal apologised quietly, but Ethan waved it away.

Once Cal unlocked the door (it took a couple of tries because Cal didn't want to take his eyes off of his brother for a second), he tried to put his arm around Ethan again. Ethan pushed him away. He felt hurt by Ethan's actions, but he had to remember to focus on Ethan, his feelings didn't matter when his little brother was struggling so much.

He watched Ethan stumble into the flat. His legs were trembling and Cal wasn't entirely sure Ethan wouldn't collapse right there on the floor and break down completely. He still watched on warily, not wanting to make Ethan uncomfortable by having physical contact again. As soon as Ethan disappeared out of sight, into the living room, Cal put his head on the door and let out a long sigh. Bottling things up weren't helping him at all, but he couldn't tell Ethan when he was this upset. So he pushed his own problems aside again, and went to help his little brother.

* * *

Ethan slumped down on the sofa, too worn out to care about straightening his back so he would still be healthy when he was older. If he didn't die from exhaustion before then. Or guilt. Could you even die from guilt? It certainly felt like it. He rested his head back against the sofa, glasses still resting in his hands, and closed his eyes. Ethan's tears still fell, and he was past the point of caring to wipe them away. The only person to see him cry was Cal now, and Cal had seen him cry plenty of times.

He felt the sofa dip down beside him, and his glasses were taken out of his hands. "Do you want some tea?" Tea actually seemed like a good idea, but that meant moving to drink it.

"No..." he responded weakly. He wished he hadn't talked at all, because talking made his throat hurt. The threat of sobs was imminent but he'd cried enough. He couldn't burden Cal with his problems when Cal was struggling with whatever he was struggling with.

"I'll make you some anyway." Cal said, and Ethan heard his brother stand (and was that his knee clicking as he did so?). He didn't want Cal to leave. He needed Cal to be by him, to comfort him and hug him. But there was no reason for Ethan to be upset.

He gulped down a sob but it didn't work. He lent forward and put his head in his hands and fingers in his hair, finally crying. Letting out everything that he'd been keeping in all day. He should have done so much more. So, so much more.

Then he felt Cal. He was being hugged. He was in Cal's arms. Ethan had forgotten how brilliant it felt to have his older brother's comfort when he was upset. Cal was tightly hugging him, it was almost painful. Ethan didn't mind. He just cried into Cal's chest - wrapping his arms around Cal's neck. He felt circles being rubbed on his back, like his mother used to do.

He was glad he had Cal there. Even if they weren't talking.

* * *

Cal was fighting back tears himself when he felt Ethan crying in his arms. It was painful to hear his brother crying in such anguish and knowing that he could probably do nothing to help. The only thing he could do was tell Ethan what he was meant to say, but that would make Ethan worse. He didn't even know what Ethan was feeling. He'd only heard it from Lily, and very briefly from Ethan himself.

After a short while, Ethan pulled away - wiping his tears and apologising for 'making a fuss'.

"You're not making a fuss, Nibbles. You could never make a fuss. Not with me." Cal reassured him, though he was certain it did nothing to help. Cal seemed to be useless in comforting him since they got older. "I know you probably don't want to talk, but... what happened today?"

For a moment, he thought Ethan wouldn't answer him. He looked at Cal, eyes filling with tears again, before clearing his throat and speaking. "It's not just today, Cal. It's every day. Every _thing_." Cal's tears were still gathering in his own eyes but he looked at the ceiling briefly to try and rid them. He hated the thought of Ethan struggling. Hated the thought that it took so long for Ethan to talk to him.

But he went to Charlie about his own problems. He couldn't blame Ethan when he was such a rubbish brother himself.

Cal dragged him mind back to Ethan. He couldn't think about himself. "Go on, Ethan. I'm listening," he encouraged, rubbing Ethan awkwardly on his arm. His hand lingered, and Ethan didn't shrug it off. Cal saw it as a sign and slipped his arm around Ethan, bringing him in closer.

He heard Ethan draw in a shaky breath. "There was a man today... you saw him. Chris Dunham. I talked to him and he talked to me, but Mrs Beauchamp told me I had to get back to work. But this  _was_ work. Our job is to help people. But I did as I was told. Chris was meant to sign in at reception. Then I could treat him and Mrs Beauchamp would allow me, I'm sure. But he didn't... I left him... and he died! He jumped in front of a bus because I didn't give him the care and attention he needed!" he cried, rubbing his hand over his eyes furiously.

"It's okay, Ethan. We can't give out time to one person for the entire shift - "

" - but that isn't all! Olivia and Jess... I could have stopped it, Caleb. Look what happened. They were put in danger because I didn't listen to Dixie when she said Olivia was being abused. And  _then_ I let an abuser practically escape from my care because I left her." Cal rubbed his hand up and down Ethan's back, but he could tell it wasn't helping. Ethan was distraught. "And today, an elderly woman - Flossy - came into the ED. She was on a trolley in a  _corridor_ before being put in minors. Minors, Caleb! She went through so much and she died in HDC. Not even on a ward, in peace and quiet on a ward.  _And_ I missed a nearly fatal puncture. A poor girl was a millimetre away from death because I didn't care for her."

"I heard you did a clamshell thoracotomy, Ethan. You saved that girl's life!"

Ethan was quiet for a few seconds. "That doesn't change the fact that I missed it," he said glumly. Cal sighed inwardly, feeling his gut twist uncomfortably. Now Ethan couldn't even see the good he did.

Cal guided his brother's head onto his shoulder in a desperate attempt to comfort him. He heard every sniff and saw every tear drop from Ethan's eyes. He knew trying to tell Ethan it was all going to be okay would offer little comfort. Of course it wasn't going to be okay. Ethan was over-working himself because he was one of the few doctors who cared about everyone. But maybe he cared to much. It sounded like his caring only ended up doing worse by everyone. He worked  _too_ hard.

After Ethan had calmed down sufficiently, Caleb decided to ask him more. Maybe talking would help. "And the energy drinks?"

"I haven't been sleeping," Ethan mumbled, head still on Cal's shoulder. "I can't. How can I when I all think about is how bad I am at my job?"

"This won't help you in the slightest, but you aren't bad at your job. You care, and that's what you should do. But you need to care about yourself, too. You are living on caffeine and working on guilt. You need to sleep."

"I can't sleep. Don't you get it?" Ethan exclaimed, though still not moving from his position on Cal's shoulder. "I don't think I will ever be able to sleep again. Or work without killing someone."

"You need to relax and keep calm. You can't help everyone, Ethan. No one can." Ethan started to stand and took his glasses from the table, slipping them back on. "Where are you going?" he asked worriedly.

"Bed. I don't want to think anymore today," he said, dragging his feet as he headed off in the direction of his room.

"Wait, Nibbles!" Ethan turned, looking utterly worn out. "What about the tea?"

"Don't feel like it." Cal nodded and turned his head back around, only to look at his little brother again when he started speaking. "What did you want to talk about?"

Cal knew exactly what Ethan was referring to, but it just wasn't the right time. "Huh?" he said, hoping to formulate a response in his blank mind.

"You sent me a text saying we needed to talk. What did you want to talk about?"

"I... I wanted to see how you were. Nothing else." Cal lied. He smiled weakly at Ethan who nodded, before traipsing to his room. "Nothing at all," he muttered.


End file.
